I know it's been, like, a year, but... (now with TILT!)

...I totally have, like, 20000 schlogs. Seriously. I was writing for a good bit while I was away. Most of it is angst, some of it is experience, and a tinge is regret. I still haven't decided to type them all up. Mainly because I think I might have misplaced most of them and again because they're probably not in chronological order, which would irk me to no end.

In other news, I found a rough draft of a story I'd written out last year after having a dream and it kinda gave me inspiration to start writing it. Thing is, it's been a year and a day since I've written anything, and I've gotten to be quite bad. I lost my style, my voice. Now everything sounds structured and forced and overly-formal. Thanks AP language compisition. I only wish I could regain that! I try to force myself to write and it's awkward; I try to wait for it to just happen, and it never comes! I'm not sure what to do anymore! I can't give up my only craft! I won't!

Speaking of english, I saw my 9th grade english teacher today. He's amazing, his voice and his vision makes me high just thinking about it. He's so briliant. I hope he's my yteacher next year. I hope he teaches 12th grade english. And if not, I hope he teaches anthropology. He gave me insporation. I loved how he taught. I loved how he lived. He's a hippie without being a hippie, he loves the world and the people in it and he respects everyone's individual views, doesn't shoot them down because they're not how he saw them. He's a wonder teacher and a magnificent person. I missed him, man. He was great.


Now for the TILT!

1) Listening to The White Tie Affair after a long day of school!

2) Guard practice only being til 3 instead of 5 like on mondays!

3) [WoW] Thursday Ulduar (10) raids (which I'm not COMPLETELY geared for, yet) [xP]

4) Talking on the phone until who knows when even though I'm prepared to sleep through class the next day.

5) Messing with Samurai after school. [^_^]

Okay, Later Days!

Didn't make softball, so...

I'm stuck in Color Guard. Whoo-hoo.

But at least our practices are too bad. Monday til 5 and then Thursdays until 3. That's all. And I think Fridays, occassionally. That's a pretty damn good bargin, but I still want to be involved with Softball... My dad brought up being a Manager. Like, a student manager to the team. That would be pretty awesome, and then I could maybe have practice with the team and I'd be good enough to do it next year (I need to loose about thirty pounds of fat and gain a good bit of muscle in my arms and thighs, because I run slow as shit). I hope I can fit that into my busy schedule.

So far, just for today, I have an annotating essay due tomorrow in English, of course we're having a 40 minute essay reponse to it. Then I have to translate an airport conversation to Spanish in second block THAT I DON'T EVEN HAVE! I left it at school and I don't remember enough to actually try and translate it here. Then, in AP Bio, I have lab questions due, equations to write out, and formulas to put in effect. After that, I have a chapter ten reading guide, which I'm pretty sure is AT LEAST 4 pages long.

IF I get that done, I've got APUSH, about 20 long answer questions to fill out, not to mention a few paragraphs of conparason to presidencies, then in Algebra, I have to practice the fifty ways we've learned to solve quadratic equations and do so for Friday's test.

Yeah, I feel a little verwhelmed with school work, but it's my fault. I should've checked for my Spanish binder and then I should've done a little but of my Bio over the weekend (instead of watching Paranormal Activity with Samurai and Grim).


Speaking of which, I say Paranormal Activity with Samurai and Grim on Saturday! First we saw the Men Who Stare At Goats, which was kinda funny, but not really worth the money. But that was just to get us in. After that, Me and Samurai snuck into Paranormal Activity. Grim was apparently mad that we didn't see Paranormal Activity first and he decided to go to sleep in the car.

And, let me tell you, for someone who does scare easily, that movie was scary as shit. I'm so effin' serious. Do not see it. Or do see it. It's not that bad, but it's really kinda scary.

Well, I have all that work to take care of. I'll angst about girls and being a lesbian later. Later Days.

Thank You (Now With Blog)

Thank you guys so much. Those comments were wonderful. They really cheered me up, you have no idea. Thank you. Ya'll are awesome. You know who you are.


But, um, yes, now for the blog.


Prepare for a very long paragraph.


I'm seriously hating this place to a pretty high degree. This morning, well, I was to go take my shower first. Well, my back was hurting (I have chronic back pain like the dickens--Dunno why lol) and I really wanted to rest for a bit. So my mom tries to get me up, and I'm like, "Just get Sister up first, my back hurts." and I crawl back into bed. And she's all like, "Noblahblahbitchbitch." and she snatches the covers off. And I don't move, because, you know, I wasn't there to be warm, I was there to be resting because my back was hurting (and I don't mean some runofthemill hurting, I mean some major hurting). And then she goes all apeshit and talking about how I wasn't gonna disobey her and get a belt and stuff and that doesn't really hurt me all that much, so she goes and gets a switch and I kinda grabbed it and it broke, heheh. Then she gets all "HULK SMASH" and dad got in and they started arguing about who controlled the situation and who didn't; all the while, I'm sitting there staring at the ground because I'm, well, I get quiet when people are yelling about me. And then, when dad walks out for a minute, she, like, pins me to my bed. So, in common self-defense fashion, I used whatever limbs were not tied down, my legs, to escape. So I kicked her. And not even hard.


But she FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT! Like, tried to brutally attack me, flipped out. And Dad AND Sister had to hold her back. Long story short, she called me every bad word/phrase in the book, she cussed me out, she called me the devil, she accused me of doing things I didn't, said I didn't want to do what she said because I had work I didn't do because apparently I was on the phone all night when I got off the phone at 10:20, she said I only went to church to see Kala--which is totally untrue and extremely offensive, and then she kept saying Kala's name like she was some kinda evil squid, and that pissed me off. Not to mention when my dad was trying to calm her down, all she yelled about was, and I qoute, telling him to "beat her til she bleeds". Hmm... very mature and not creepy at all.


Then my dad attempted to make stupid-as-shit assumptions about why I was feeling bad/didn't shower so he could feel right and he was wrong, of course, and that irritated me too.


So, overall, I was exhausted, mentally drained, and emotionally shattered by the time I got to school. And I started crying in front of my friend Annie in first block because I felt so bad (and I don't cry in front of people! It's embaressing!). Ugh... and I couldn't even concentrate on anything because I was so upset/depressed all day. Then, when the day was over and I had one say of tryout to go, I discovered that I left my tryout stuff at home because I was more worried with getting out of the house alive than that at the moment.

But my dad finally decided to bring it and I tried out. I might now make it--hell, probably won't--but at least I tried [:3] I can't regret it that way, heheh. It was pretty cool. But nothing's ever interesting if it's all good! Something else happened, too!

When I was getting ready to go to change, my friend, We'll call her China, pulled me to the side and asked me if it's true that I like girls.

Now me, being the spazztic, honest person that I am, start amiling and ask her why she asked and who brought that to her attention in the first place. And, one awkward conversation later, I find something interesting! She's totally bi! [O:] To think I didn't notice!

Everytime I find out someone else at SVHS is gay/bi/whatever, I feel like there's some kind of secret club that everyone (who's gay) is apart of but me. Like, there was this meeting and everyone knows everyone else, but I don't know anyone. Either they aren't letting me into the loop or I'm really that dense.

In conclusion (lol) you guys are super awesome. Thanks for sticking with me, even though I'm not around enough [;(]

Well, I have things to do (coughmomherecough). Later Days!

It's that time again! SPORTS TIME!

BTW, it's totally 6 in the morning where I live.

Anyway, yes, it's time for Softball tryouts! We're gonna have a way bigger team this year, we got a new coach, and there's gonna be a Varsity and JV. Things are looking up for the season!

But not for me, induvidually...

I haven't really been practicing, and I'm hella outta shape. It's kinda sad, really. I can't even find my glove. And my left arm is ten times stronger than my right one, so I'm thinking about just trying to relearn to throw left-handed. That would make my throws better at least.

And with the end of Marching season (and BOA) comes Concert season, Winter Guard for the Guard girls.

Do I want to do Winter Guard? Hell no. BUT I do wanna go on the trip that the band goes on to Universal Studios, if only because it's the last time I'll do anything with most of my band friends, and the very last time I'll beable to do anything with the seniors. I can do softball in place of Winter Guard, but I probably won't be able to go on that band trip (which isn't that much of a big deal, but, still, last time, guys), so I'm not sure what's gonna happen.

I AM trying out for softball. I probably won't make it, but I'm trying out. If I don't make it, defualt Winter Guard. If I DO make it, then I guess I'll attempt at a compromise of trying to do both (that will bite me in the butt eventually...). And if that's unatainable, then I'm going with softball! Color Guard has given me too many self esteem issues to actually be enjoyable anymore. The only reason that marching season was so bearable (bearly) was because I had my band friends to cheer me up.

Okay, I have to go to school. Later Days.

Life is Getting More and More Unbearable

And the fact that I can't get access to the computer long enough to even write out my thoughts is infuriating. So here I am, at 1:30 in the morning, having to sneak on to the computer rather than them letting me use it when necissary and sacrifing sleep that I'll need to return during class time.

But, back to the thesis of this post... Things are starting to get more and more unbearable for me. Never have I felt truely overwhelmed. Stressed, sure, most people are. But overwhelmed? That is one of the emotions I don't feel quite often, so I'm not comfortable with it. Simply feeling this emotion scares me, partly because I feel like I have no control over the events that are making me feel this way and mostly because, with my lack of self-control, I fear how I would react to a situation if that truth came to light.

It is with this that I came upon the realization that no matter how much I love my parents, they've been more of a hamper to my emotional and psycological state than a help. I didn't even feel loved on my birthday, dispite the hope I was feeling. I was hoping that that month was going to be a happy month. One where they would make me feel like I was a good person, just because it was the anniversity of my birth; instead it felt like they were throwing money at me and continuing to treat me like shit.

I'm extremely good at controlling my emotions. I don't get stressed. I don't get frantic. I don't get worn out. I feel that if I can make a situation a good one, then I should. Negative emotions won't make everything work out for me. It's just going to hinder my state of mind and keep me from making responsible, mature decisions. That's why I've never understood why people get so "stressed out". More my mother than anyone. When she's stressed, she yells and her voice gets high and she almost literally pulls her hair out; and most of the time, it's over nothing. It's so unattractive, not physically, but emotionally. You don't look like an approachable person when you act like that over everything. It's silly. Just stay calm so you can think logically and ultimately solve the problem you have. That's how I've always thought. If I can control the situation, then there's no worry.

But I feel hopeless. I haven't been able to control anything that's happened to me whatsoever. It scares me more that I can't control my destiny, my social life, my grades, and even my emotions. I've felt so hopeless and depressed that I've even thought of suicide, somthing I think to be absolutely unthinkable, just so that I can control whether I want to feel so lowly in this life.

I'm not being immature. I'm not being childish. I've felt this way so long and so much that it's becoming a strain on my normal life. I don't even care about my grades anymore. I don't care where I am in a semester. I don't care where I am in a year. If I can't control my life, then does it really matter?

Shouldn't we all have the right to pursue what makes us happy? I've never wanted to hurt anyone, or cause any problems... I've just wanted to be with friends and family who supported me and cared for me and treated me like I was a good person... I've done all the good in the world for people. I've done so much. But I have nothing to show for it but the fading gratitude of people who don't even mention my name later.

If no one notices me, if no one gives me quater for a least a month--my birth month, even--then what makes me think they'll do it for the rest of the year? They won't. And I'll feel twice as miserable by the end of next month. And it'll just get worse until it's unrepairable.

But I'm not planning on on killing myself, if you assumed that was my implication. No. I would never. My life is something I cherish with all I have. It's the most important thing to me, next to the happiness of others. I would never let someone else take away from me. I won't let their actions drive me to that.

I recently learned of emacipation. From my parents. The legal freedom age in Alabama is 19. My mother would surely use this to keep me in for another two years. I'd much sooner die than to have to deal with this any longer.

I know emacipation is an extremely tiring process and that it probably won't be successful (and if it isn't, boy will I get hell in a can made of hellish iron), but I'd much rather risk it. I was already attempting to file a job application to a store near the school (a good 20 minute walk away), and I don't mind living with someone else who's in the district for the next year and a half, if that was allowed, and paying my own bills. I just want to feel like it's me doing this. To be living for my happiness, not constant restrictions for no good reason just so they can feel in power.

I know the Alabama government is shit, and I know the court system is worse. My county's in debt, my mom has worked with the system for almost 25 years now and my dad's been in the school system--both city and county--for more than 30. I probably won't get freedom from them.

Oh, and it doesn't get better. Tried and failed, my friends.

...

And don't even get me STARTED about the being gay thing, because I was trying to make this post pretty neutral, but we can go down that road, too!!...

More gay kids are running around now?

And I met this gay guy (squeee~) at school today! He was sitting in the Counselor's suite and looked down so I tried to cheer him up by telling him that no matter what problem he had, I would listen to him and try to help him get all cheered up. We'll call him Owl (because he likes Owl City as well and he's adorable like an Owl <3)

Apparently, his (now ex) boyfriend lied and told him that he was his first and now he's stressed out because his ex was apparently a bit of a manwhore and might have had an STD that could seriously fuck up his like (aka AIDS), so he was very stressed out about that.

We talked for a while and I was able to tell Owl all the things I can't really tell anyone else and he understood and could relate and, man, you have NO idea how amazing it feels to talk to someone who can relate to you and understand the shit you've been through and your emotions and stuff. It's absolutely amazing.

So today wasn't completely a bust. I was really happy today, even though it was a Monday (I HATE Modays!)


Later Days, guys. I'm going to try to not falling asleep doing this work = /

Not sick anymore...

...but I was out for a week. And played catch up for three. And I'm still not caught up. I have an F in almost all of my classes. And I don't think my teachers will accept any make up work....

I haven't really had anytime to blog whatsoever. I've been bogged down with games and competition after competition with band/color guard and when I'm not practicing for that, I'm making up all the work I missed while still trying to keep up with everyone in the class. And when I'm actually forcing free time on myself by not doing homework, I'm on WoW trying to make up time with my guildies and get a heroic run or two in so I can finally be geared enough to do Nax or some other 80 raid that I haven't been into yet. So much to do, yet so little time (or energy) to do it!

In a week (actually, on Friday), the band and color guard go to compete in BOA - Bands of America. Do I still hate Color Guard? Yes. Do I want it to be over? Yes. But do I also wanna finish out the season well? Yes yes. So I've been practicing. Anastasia tried to get me to do extra practice today, though, on my off day. Imagine what I said to her.

My birthday was a week ago today. I didn't like it.

I'm dead tired and I'm actually attempting to do my work. Can you tell?

Okay, back to work now.