Oh god...

I just happened to look through all my old comments, which brought me to my first comment ever:

"Hi there! this is lanzemurdok, the guy who made the silent hill remix. I came across your page through a feature on youtube where it shows you the places where the video has been posted. I noticed the song has been posted on your blog. That's awesome, i appreciate it."

Oh yeah. That guy. He made this badass "Theme of Laura (reprise)" remix from Silent Hill 2, and it's so wonderfully done that I HAD to have it on my page.

After reading his comment, I had this powerful surge of nostalgia. I NEEDED to hear it. I rushed over to Youtube, typed in his name, and found the remix*. I loved it. Just hearing it brought back so many memories.

Then I determined to look for more of my old music. I don't know if I even mentioned it, but Myflashfetish (the place where I was getting those cute music players in the beginning) got bought out by Mixpod, and I instantly hated them (mainly because they discontinued all the cute music players!!) Well, I typed it into Google, and Myflashfetish showed up! I clicked it, and I made it to the home page! I was freaking out with happiness!

...Until it redirected to Mixpod. Sigh.

Either way, I logged in and looked at all my music...

Whoa.

When I say, "emotional roller coaster ride" I mean it. SO MANY MEMORIES have been associated with these songs I would listen to, obsessively. They've been inbedded in my mind...

So many emotions...

So many things I would rather forget...

...

I miss it.

I don't know why, but I miss it. So much. Maybe I'm just over-nostalgic, but I really do miss those days. Yes, I was miserable. Yes, I was insecure. Yes, I was naive..!! But I loved every moment! The more I learn about life and existence, the more I yearn to return to a blissful ignorance and forget about all the corruption that I feel like I've sustained. I've become such a terrible, heartless person. I just want to go back to when I felt an endless optimism for everyone and I trusted openly and never feared...

I feel like I'm becoming something that I can't change, and that I'll slowly digress through time... What can I so? Oh God, what can I do? I don't want to lose that last bit of control over my life, but I feel I already have...

Edit: I wrote this for myself. Hopefully, I can look to it for motivation. If I fall, I'll fall with grace!

"I need to increase my own happiness. Stop worrying about other people. Don't fall into a slump, you know how hard it is to get out of those things. Just take this day a step at a time and if you stumble, no biggie--you're strong enough to catch yourself before you fall.

Just remember: You're destined for greatness."

*Whoa, posted in when!? May 2008? I feel so... old...